Ladies, most of the advice/tips/info you’ve gotten over the years on men is truly useless nonsense.
There are many things that get thrown around in regards to dating advice/romance advice for women out there. Some is dramatically one way (man-pleasing) while some is the radical opposite (ignoring/being a bitch to men) and neither is accurate.
I have been reading a lot of the more popular dating stuff on both sides of the fence for women to get a better feel for what sort of madness women are buying into, and here’s the verdict: Most of it is utter and complete crap!
Always keeping score (aka “The Rules“) is childish and worse…..OBVIOUS. Men are NOT stupid. In the same way that we ladies can “sense” when a guy is playing games, trying too hard to come off “masculine”, and being generally fake…men can ALSO sense these things. When either gender tries too hard to be bad-ass or supplicating guess what? Your insecurity is beyond obvious. And also a huge, undeniable turn-off!
Being too much of a bitch is not attractive and it also screams: “There is something else wrong with me that I’m trying to cover up by acting ultra-mega-hardcore and unappreciative!” Never complimenting him, ignoring ALL his calls, being generally cunty and unappreciative isn’t going to keep the RIGHT kind of guy around long anymore than being a doormat will.
Mostly because IT’S FAKE!!!
It’s simplistic to say that men will sniff that out just as fast as you would…but it’s also true. Men aren’t known for their “instinct” like women are, but it’s mostly that they tend to ignore it a little longer and just don’t know WHY they’ve stopped being attracted to you. It’s because you’re being fake, that’s why.
The same goes for the radical other end of the spectrum: Appeasing him, waiting on him, helping him, praising him constantly, etc.
Women were (wrongfully) taught through things we saw on tv growing up and things we’ve seen in the media that “attractive women” need to be HOT and appease their man (cook, help him, be nurturing, etc).
WRONG! That advice is also utter crap.
Those are things his MOTHER does and no matter how “flattered” he seems….no matter how much he seems to “like it” when you fall all over yourself appreciating his every word and helping him when he vents to you about his shitty day….he does NOT want to be nurtured (save for maybe when he’s sick or it’s an absolute emergency).
Like everything else in life, there is a fine line. Men want to FEEL good around you. In order to feel good around you, he has to feel like he has found himself a well-balanced, desirable, self-respecting woman.
These are things he needs to feel to be content with you….and they also happen to be things that are really easy for YOU to do:
He wants to feel appreciated for things he has EARNED appreciation for: (meaning don’t “appreciate” him for showing up on time, planning a date, or getting up on time for work….those are things he should already be doing). Appreciate when he goes out of his way to do something generous for you (picks out your fav food at the grocery store then cooks it or always picks you up for dates/hanging out and would never ask you to “meet up” with him)….things of that nature are worth telling him he’s awesome and you think he’s thoughtful. Falling all over yourself just because he showed up is NOT.
Feeling relatively secure in his masculinity: Again….this does NOT mean stroking his ego or lavishing him with compliments. That will make you seem not just desperate….but also false/supplicating and it’s NOT attractive to him.
This means that you should STOP babying him and/or helping him solve his problems. When he has a problem, your should listen to him and simply express that you think he’s smart/capable/resourceful and that you know he’ll “figure this one out”. That’s it. Support him. But never EVER help him.
As much as you WANT help and even though you think he seems SO pleased when you help him…..deep down, he feels that you think he’s incapable of helping himself (ie: emasculated). Be there for him, but stop the crazy cycle of running around trying to fix him/his problems/his stresses. He’ll love you more for it in the end.
Feeling sexy: Yes, ladies….men are just as insecure about their sexy-level as the ladies are. They just “feel sexy” in different ways than we do. You should smile at him when you’re genuinely having fun (not fake-ass kissing smiles), tell him looks hot (when he does), and show him a reasonable amount of affection.
In the same vein, you should never tease him relentlessly about his height, his looks, or his brains. Not unless you have an obviously sarcastic repertoire that you BOTH enjoy and engage in as the norm in your relationship.
You should NOT hang all over him, act jealous, compliment every outfit/hairstyle/cologne he wears, or talk about how brilliant and amazing he is all the time. Again….this goes back to “appreciating him when he has earned it”. Over-complimenting = overcompensation for both genders. He wants to feel like he has earned your compliments…..not like you randomly spew them out to keep him “hooked” on you (or any man that will have you, for that matter).
BE FUN!! This is something that women somehow manage to misinterpret and/or read too much into. Being fun just means that you have a good sense of humor, aren’t hyper-critical (of him or others), and don’t bust into tears over things that don’t matter much.
Every man HATES it when you’re gossipy, talk down about other women (such as when you see a skanky chick out somewhere…just zip your lips because it’s rude and makes you seem insecure), or complain about little things like the waiter taking too long to get your drinks or how there’s no parking….
This does NOT mean that you need to “entertain” him. You don’t need to be all into parties, drinking, jumping off cliffs, and going out every night of the week. As a matter of fact, most men enjoy cuddling up and watching movies with you more than anything else and consider that just as much “fun” as the more wild type of stuff.
*Unless you plan on dictating the movie every time, complaining about the main actress’s bad boob-job, and talking through the entire thing….see how NOT fun that sort of woman is??*
Save the griping and overt “realism” for your girlfriends and platonic guy friends. The same way that you want to have fun with your date/boyfriend is the same way he wants to have fun with you. You don’t want to hear him crying about his job and how his sport’s team lost all night, do you?? Of course not.
Be a little feisty! All men and I mean ALL men like a bit of a feisty woman (whether they admit it or not) and this one is another that draws a fine line. If you’re a more reserved, quiet sort of woman then small things can be enough “feist” (yes, that’s an imaginary word) to make you a little spicy to him. Grab his hand and pull him along with you once in awhile, come up with an out-of-the-ordinary date idea every now and then, or even just smack him on the ass out of the blue and say nothing…..
It doesn’t really matter what you do as long as you let your “fire” come out in little glimmers every now and then. Those are the things about you that he appreciates and make you unique and more attractive to him. Being YOU. Your sense of self and confidence DO matter because your looks will only get you so far…..your brains will only get you so far….your success/talents will only get you so far. Those things don’t make him FEEL anything other than maybe admiration, temporary sexual stimulation, pride in you, etc….
But those are things he could “feel” for any woman he knows. Including the ones who are just “friends” or just sex-buddies.
At the end of the day, he wants someone who makes him feel special and is always a breath of fresh air just like you do!! This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect or never be negative….it just means that he’ll be willing to accept a lot MORE of your actual flaws if you don’t flaunt them as your main character trait all the time.
He won’t mind your bitchy days, your emotional outbursts, or your “ugly” moments nearly as much if he knows that you’re a well-balanced, unique, and fun girl who really does care for him.
He’ll also be more and more inspired to do sweet, romantic, and generally awesome things that make you feel like a princess if you actually BECOME a self-assured woman who can be both “tough and feisty” while still being “sweet and caring” at the same time. It’s not hard to find that happy medium….most women really ARE both of those things.
We’re just used to being conditioned to think we have to be one or the other. We’re also conditioned to think that we need to “play a game” or be false to hook a man and keep him. We don’t. Be the best YOU that you already know you are and be happy about yourself and men will already want to spend time with you. Keeping them around just means that you have to remember that you’re all of those positive things and NOT constantly act insecure (by being too cunty or too supplicating).
Keeping a quality guy around is actually pretty easy when you come to terms with the fact that he’ll adore you more if you adore yourself and the life you’re living. When you shut out all the noise (the bizarre dating advice, the weird stereotypes, and the well-intentioned but bad advice from your loved ones…) and just enjoy the moment, enjoy him, and enjoy your time spent together….dating becomes pretty easy!
